Some of my life's best days have been in Yosemite

For some reason this had seemed like a good idea. I was alone in the dark on the rock face ; a ocean of granite reflecting under the light of the moon. Only I knew I was here. How had I gotten here? It didn't matter.

Teary eyed I had said a last goodbye clasping his hand at the side of Grandpa's hospice bed. I got up and started the car.

It was already packed and ready with all the climbing gear a summer's worth of teenage construction work could scrounge together and what food I could raid from Mom's pantry.

I sought somewhere I fit in, freedom, adventure, something meaningful? I couldn't quiet the thoughts in my head. High school was over. I was supposed to be in college now? That's what everyone is supposed to do? Was I like them? I didn't want to be. I wanted to run away and be a skier or climber. Maybe I could move to Bishop and work at a shop or even Taco Bell and just climb for a while? Dad had signed me up for scholarships somehow anyway. Grandpa, grandpa was gone. Life didn't seem very fair.

But Grandpa was happy when I said goodbye! I had brought my new shiny climbing equipment and rope right into his hospital room geared up like the pictures of the climbers in the magazines. I told Grandpa I was going to climb El Capitan. I would for him. He was excited to see me as he leaned closer examining the new gear. He smiled and said, "I'm proud of you young man. You can do it. You're a Tetz." I love you grandpa.

I picked up my friend Luigi on the way out of town and we drove that night to Yosemite.

Luigi was my first serious climbing partner, tall, gruff, confident, and of Italian heritage; he was a born hit with seemingly all girls. I was a classically awkward teen boy trying to figure things out with a penchant for adventure! We were quite the match! We learned the fundamentals of climbing together on the weekends while getting through the silly business called high school we had to do.

Before there was Bishop Black Sheep!

Neither of us liked school that much. Climbing seemed so much more real and alive than I felt daydreaming while staring out the windows from the classroom.
 
I had done it for a girl at first. I didn't know anything about girls, but there was April, beautiful and bubbly, and seemingly full of energy and enthusiasm.. She was a dead ringer for my first crush when she asked to be my partner in computer class. I think she only asked because I was shy and quiet with a reputation for being good at computers. One day we saw a picture in our textbook lesson with 2 rock climbers scrambling a face. April immediately decided she wanted to go climbing for her upcoming 16th birthday and would I learn too with her? This sounded like a great idea! Hey I can drive a car now right Mom and Dad?

Classic awkward high school picture with April and I!

The rest is history, I was hooked, the girl never worked out, but I soon became a regular at the local climbing gym (eventually even a route setter) after begging my parents to get me a membership. (On a side note, so was a young fellow named Alex Honnold, he was 12.)

Luigi and I both worked hot construction hours through the summer and shared the cost of the precious new shiny cams, carabiners, and metal devices we thought we needed piece by piece. We borrowed what ever else we could from the few friends we had made on our weeknights at the gym.

If he was the brawn, I was the dreamer. Luigi would follow along with me on all the new adventures I could come up with. We could be real climbers! We had spent the summer weekends doing practice climbs at Lover's Leap up the road from the little town of Placerville where we lived.

A nice day at Lover's Leap

The climbers in the pictures were always on something called El Cap? This must be what all climbers did someday?! I read whatever I could find at the time. Something kept coming up called the Nose? The world's most famous rock climb? We would have to learn how to do a Pendulum? The owner at the gym recommended we go climb something called Royal Arches first and we would learn to do a pendulum.. I get a great chuckle now about that one!

They sold an old VHS tape at the gym excitingly titled "How to Aid Climb." Luigi hated it, it was boring, but I made sure to watch it until I thought I knew how to do the techniques and made him watch it once too. We added practice aid climbs on the cracks at Granite Arch and hauling the large bag filled with water bottles to our weeknight sessions at the gym, sometimes others looked at us oddly hopefully out of curiosity! Yes we would do this! It looked impossibly large in the pictures. I liked things that looked impossible at first. It was like unlocking a secret code that only those that knew about would understand. This was Adventure. Yep! Capital A!

Grandpa.. I wondered if he was still alive? I didn't want to wait around the last few days waiting and wondering for hours. I hoped he was comfortable. He had always been there for our family however he could- very involved. He had even been our high school principal and teacher for a time! The summer we moved back to California, soon he announced to me I was skipping 8th grade! (Knowing it was a more rounded classroom group for me to grow up with.) I didn't need it and that's that. Just tell the teachers you are a freshman, now off to high school! ... Cancer ... He was too young. I couldn't help but shed tears on the drive while Luigi wondered about my driving abilities, finally I let him drive. I'd never said a goodbye for good before.

(Grandpa also saved me once in the nick of time with the name Ryan- Mom had first wanted to name me Ashley after Gone With the Wind!)

We pulled into a parking spot at the Ahwahnee Hotel and headed into the boulders to camp for the night. Luckily it was only a 3 hour drive!

In the morning we filled remaining 2 liter soda bottles with water and finished packing for 5 days on the wall. Average teams took 3-5 days so we would plan on 5 just in case!

The bag was heavy! Ugh I felt my arms losing circulation as we traded the haul bag back and forth hiking to the base. How would we ever move this thing? At least we only had to do 4 pitches the first day!

And we were off! Wow! We had practiced hauling and trad climbing, but I'd never climbed with so much metal gear and ropes attached to me at once; the double chest gear sling we had borrowed felt awkward! The sharp hooks used for aid climbing hanging nearby off my hip gave me an uncomfortable thought, what if I fell on one of these against the rock? I thought about actually using them? It must be a desperate spot when you needed? Especially the smallest ones known as Bat Hooks!? Luckily the first pitch was easy and mostly over quickly, a fun little crack!

Something felt immediately different being on the large wall. It was infinitely vast like we could climb on and on forever.. Nothing else had ever felt the same (still hasn't). I felt small in comparison.

Oof hauling! This sucks! The full bags stuck against the slab like velcro glued with the friction. The harness dug into my hips. Luigi help me somehow! Luigi swung and pushed, cursing, and kicking at the bag while he got going with the rope ascenders. I pulled as hard as I could with my weight over the pulley and it seemed to move up about 6 inches for each effort I made. Determined, I layed into it. Luigi come on! 1,2,3 Go!! GO!

It was the first time we'd used the ascenders outside on real rock. While we were fighting with the bag, I noticed Luigi was using one arm to hold on tightly, clasping himself against the ascender and the other fighting the bag while his daisy chain connection looked way too loose! You have to tighten it up right so you can hang on the rope without your arm! He didn't like being told what to do, but finally after some choice words and more wrestling with the bag (we aptly named it the B*tch!) things were set. Bit by bit we were moving!

The next pitch was steeper, I turned to aid climbing on little nuts and cams in the crack until I got to a point marked pendulum in the guidebook. I yelled down to Luigi to take the rope tight and then I swung first one way then the other! Hey this is kind of easy got it! As long as I could stay untangled from the gear and all the ropes now.. I wondered how Luigi would do coming up? I'd loaned him the video to watch at home and he'd promised to see it again before we left, but had he?

The next section stumped me. This aid climbing business seemed a tricky puzzle in creativity. I fumbled with flaring cams in cracks and reaching high off a few bolts to continue, it didn't look that good to me! I couldn't figure out this part here? Finally I noticed small unnatural holes in the rock, they were round about the size of a pinky. Ahh this was for those little hooks! I delicately placed the bat hook into the hole. It looked far too small to hold me. Weighting it, I yelled down to Luigi to watch me here! He told me not to be a wuss! Did I need penalty slack?! Well he could start leading on the next one then, this pendulum thing isn't that bad to figure out! The small hook seemed to hold okay. I carefully weighted it balanced as steady as possible reaching above again.
.

A bat hook

This was hard work, it reminded me of the long hours working with concrete back on the construction jobs. But this was just a lot cooler! Look where we are! The exposure even only this far up seemed pretty unreal.

The sound of air rushing quickly like the wind.. WOOSH! As we sat at the anchor we heard yells from above ROCK, ROCK, ROCK!! We heard the sound in the air moving faster. There was no where to go- both tied snug to the bolts at the anchor. I see it! A block flying like a missile overhead. It was coming straight towards us! We ducked as close in to the wall as we could get. I wanted to be small as I could! CRASH it exploded onto the slab above flipping and spinning end over end and then over our shoulder behind us exploding in a large cloud of dust at the base. That was close!? Maybe it was 40 feet? Was anyone at the bottom!? A shower of rock dust hung floating in the air. It smelled like burning... Climbers were shouting. The brothers on the rock. Was everyone okay!? Alright. The saying goes to always double your campfire story memories later so it was probably really 80 feet away? A large block indeed! I later learned climbers called blocks like these refrigerators!

Suddenly this seemed much more serious. Luigi was shaking at the anchor. He didn't talk yet. In climber speak, Luigi was not psyched... He uttered a few swear words finally. Should we just go down now? No we couldn't yet! He didn't want to lead. Reluctantly we decided I would continue. Our spirit had been wounded, but I was driven with the goal in mind. I thought about Grandpa again. This is where I wanted to be, but I didn't want to die or be injured either. It felt like we had engaged in a battle on the rock.

We only had to make the first ledge, this was taking too long! I thought I could free climb mostly, but it felt a lot scarier with the cumbersome aid climbing gear and I found myself hanging on the rope frequently. Luigi didn't say much, normally he would have heckled me mercilessly. That was our game, but we hadn't spoken much since the rock. Where had the time gone today? We should have started earlier! As we finished hauling the bag to the 3rd anchor the sun hung low on the horizon already.

The next pitch had a huge sideways traverse. Luigi and I discussed how he would need to carefully lower himself and the haulbag across off the gear. I lead up one more time with headlamp at ready past a short free climbing section then it was almost straight sideways! A tension traverse?! I told Luigi to hold the rope tight and do exactly what I said. It felt insecure leaning sideways off the support of the rope trying to grip against the rock with my climbing shoes- every time the rope loosened I could feel myself slipping as I quickly stepped further across. I was glad I couldn't see all the exposure below as I switched on the headlamp. A couple more moves and I was over the worst of it! I did my best to place solid gear to protect the sideways climbing!

I was on a large ledge now. I pulled against the rope drag scrambling across. This is where we would sleep!

Soon enough Luigi was across belaying himself from the mess of fixed gear while hanging on the ascenders. I hauled the bag again to the ledge and we unpacked camp for the night. We had brought a lot of stuff! Wall climbers ate cold food out of tin cans we had learned so we brought along ravioli and chili from Mom's pantry raid. I felt pretty tired after the long day. I was satisfied eating the cold bean chili curled up in my sleeping bag on the ledge. It wasn't perfectly flat, but it didn't matter. I wondered if anymore rocks would fall? Had someone knocked that one down or did it come on it's own? We could see the headlamps of other climbers camped higher up on the wall above. I'd never seen a rock like that fall before.

I slept great. People always ask how do you sleep up there? Well after all the work done in a long day, it doesn't take much.  Hopefully a mostly flat ledge just enough for a sleeping pad and a little food at the end of the day and life is good!

Good Morning

We awoke in the morning. There were ropes fixed here to ground with somebody else's haul bags attached. Luigi was up early peering up the next section ahead and eyeing the new ropes to the ground. Eventually, he looked at me deadpan and said, "I'm going down. I don't like being up here." I knew he was scared, he hadn't been the same after the rock fall. I wouldn't have it though. I tried to convince him to stay. We had put our entire summers work into this! I wasn't going down! He started to pack the gear. Nothing I said mattered now. Leave it! If you are leaving, leave it! I will go without you. Go back to camp! I was furious that he would abandon our dream so easily! I reasoned, that if most climbers did this in under 5 days I could do it in twice that on my own and I would have twice as much food and water now! I didn't think about how, but I would try! I didn't want to be anywhere else! I'm not coming down yet!

He gathered up a few things and was gone. That's that! Quiet.. It was me now amidst the seeming ocean of rock with all this gear to pack up! I realized I would have to do absolutely everything now or I wouldn't be moving upwards. Nothing would happen while I took a break. I'd have to figure out how to stack the ropes from getting tangled? I emptied out some of the food bags dumping things into the haul bag. My grandma had sewn us these bags a few weeks ago before grandpa had been so sick with custom clip in loops cut from old webbing. They would be my rope bags! I attached a Grigri to my harness and started up the first section. I'd tried soloing like this a bit once at a shorter top rope crag near home. It had been the selling point for a sales manger at the gym, convincing me to buy the expensive device. Luckily it was easy for a ways this time.. Free climbing with the Grigri quickly proved annoying, I had to keep stopping to pull slack back and forth and then I could climb a little more until I was stuck! Finally I resorted to aid again. I would aid climb to the anchor! Aid climbing certainly seemed much easier to figure out the belaying.

As I was climbing up a pair of Spaniards arrived at the top of the fixed ropes. It was their stash. They soon started up the easy section. They were surprised to find me climbing alone, a kid? I told them my partner had left and I had no other choice. They were welcome to team up with me if they liked? Nope. I had to rappel down to haul the bag again anyway to start hauling so I let them move on by. The anchor became a cluster of Haul bags and ropes shortly, but soon they were off again. One pitch down, that wasn't too bad!

The next pitch involved the first real big pendulum on the climbing topo. Now I really wished I had a partner! The exposure looked huge, and somehow I would have to come back across to get the bags! Nothing to do but keep moving though. I wasn't getting anywhere if I wasn't moving!

I swung over into the stove legs, wow! I felt terrified and empowered at the same time to be living in control in the vertical world on my own. I soon joined Ben, the belayer in the Spanish party at the next anchor while he held out the rope for the leader. He said they admired my tenacity and referred me to their group campsite at the pines if I wanted a partner after this. I really have to go all the way back over there for the bags now? Uggghh okay... I set the haul device and rappelled awkwardly diagnolly across the pitch cleaning the few pieces the rope was clipped through on the way. Finally I had to use the ascenders to pull myself back up again this time to the anchor from below. I lowered out the bag sideways across the face carefully- last it was my turn! This time the lowering out across the blank wall somehow seemed scarier than the pendulum swinging had a few minutes before? There was not much out here on the face! I felt naked dangling on the ropes.

Ben snapped a photo of me doing the Stove Legs Pendulum (with a top of the line camera back then!)

I returned to the anchor catching Ben still. They were having difficulty on the pitch and the leader had decided to aid climb instead. He said they were 5.10 climbers back home, but it was different up here with all the gear. I didn't disagree. As I hauled the bag, it suddenly started to feel really hard. I tried harder to haul the bag, crap it was stuck or hooked on something! I asked Ben what else I should do? He asked if I knew about PTPP? What is that? It's a guy named Piton on the internet. We read his stuff before we came. He climbs walls by himself and writes about how to do it. He'd read some writing about sometimes going down and hauling the bag from the bottom when you are alone. I tried to picture this rigging.. a backwards 3:1 perhaps? I would learn later this is called far end hauling.

I'd already neatly stacked the lead rope in the rope bag for the next pitch. It seemed like such a pain always being so perfectly tidy, I didn't want to do it over right again. I untied from the lead rope and hooked the ascenders onto the haul line instead. I'd need them anyway. The bag wasn't too far? I used the ascenders to carefully slide downwards down the taught 8 millimeter static line- carefully unweighting one at a time. This idea gives me chills now in hindsight, but it made perfect sense then, the ascenders said they were rated for 8 mm ropes on the side? It feels really exposed up here! I improvised a system with the hauling pulley and another upside down on an ascender using the end of the rope. I figured out I could ascend then stand on the bag and move the pulley with the ascender up further again moving up little by little. I hoped I didn't have to use this technique much again! The 8 mm rope looked really skinny with all the weight on it! We had bought it because it was the lightest... next time I might get something else!

When I arrived back at the anchor the Spaniards were gone now off further above. Alone again.. I should have talked them into taking the lead rope along for me while I was down there to make up for all these hauling shenanigans!? Too late, I had missed them with the frustrating hauling antics and I was here to climb anyways. I wished I could join them. I shouted a goodbye to Ben and good luck! I'd gotten the bag fixed, thanks! I didn't see them again that day.

I was angry at Luigi. I wanted to free climb these cracks, but I was frustrated trying to belay the rope! I would hang on the aiders, then pay out a little slack and brave a few moves then eventually stand back down again into the safety of the aiders. I didn't have as much cams as I might like for the larger cracks, so I lowered down to retrieve some below me and head back up. This was taking too long and felt scary... I wanted a break. I'm thirsty! The water is in the haul bag? Finally I finished the pitch and rappelled to clean the gear and get the bag again, I immediately dug out some water!

Most of my  pictures now look like some version of this!

I'd only done 3 pitches and late afternoon dusk was already again approaching when I finished hauling the bag to the anchor. Where did all that time go? I'd never make the sleeping ledge at this rate tonight? What to do? I didn't have one of the nice portaledge hanging cots that wall climbers sometimes sleep on. There were not a lot of choices.. I decided there was nothing better to do but keep climbing. There wasn't anywhere to stand, so I sat perched on top the bag and enjoyed eating my dinner early. I'd need something if I was going to keep going! I readied a headlamp and jacket to head up again into the dark.

Climbing in the dark was different. You couldn't see anything else outside of the small bubble of light given off by the headlamp. I was encased in my own little world. Nothing else mattered outside of it. Here I really was alone. There was just these few feet here in my circle of light and the silence of the night.

In a way it was almost reverse claustrophobic, I couldn't see anything else in the darkness and the exposure was gone, but neither could I move hardly anywhere in the ocean of the rock quickly- always attached at arms length to the next protection piece! I toiled on a few more moves at a time up on into the darkness, now fully resorting to aid climbing as much as I could. The next pitch would have a ledge!

Finally I arrived seemingly in the middle of the night. The ledge wasn't big enough. I tried sitting, standing, eventually I decided it would be most comfortable to get inside the haul bag! I removed everything I could from the top half and hopped partway inside the bag with my sleeping bag. I placed my arms through the holes in the aid ladders attached to the wall so I wouldn't tip over on accident. It wasn't the best sleep as I wrestled with waking up with a leg falling asleep and changing positions again through the night. What am I doing up here? I guess this works enough.

I was awoken at dawn by hollering and the sound of something moving in the air again. Another rock?! No, no that's a parachute opening and someone having a good time! I watched him fly out in front of me towards the meadow. Other climbers shouted encouragement hooting and hollering!! Woah!

I sat dozing off and on again. A Nose in a day team was coming up quickly from below in the twilight dawn. Attempting to do the whole wall in just one day? They must have started at midnight from the bottom! I had watched the lights moving quickly higher up the wall from below in the dark. They looked surprised to see me curled in the haul bag as they passed by, hardly stopping. A man and woman- I watched as the leader placed almost no gear for safety wow! I asked how he had learned to climb so confidently? She replied they had trained- getting good enough to climb called Astroman last week too. I was quite impressed by such bold confidence!

I guess it's time to climb? I ate my fruit cup and granola breakfast and tediously re-stacked the ropes again neatly into the bags. I hadn't bothered in the night. I'm on El Cap! This is what real climbers do! Get up Ryan!

Or this!

I started up the wide crack leap frogging all the larger cams we had brought. I didn't like trusting only one piece with my weight and also a possible fall. I lowered again tediously back cleaning more pieces from below to use again ahead. This was so much work! Up and down, down to get the bag unhooked to haul, hauling, stacking ropes perfectly. One more pitch to a ledge!

I climbed the last one as fast as I could up to the ledge. More wide crack sigh.. This was shorter at least. Ahh a fixed cam few! I need to get more cams! Finally I was at another bivy ledge I could sleep on! What to do? It was afternoon again. I went down to the bags to get ready to haul again. I knew I couldn't make another good ledge today. I had reached one though! Heaving the bags onto the ledge, I laid down very satisfied looking up towards El Cap tower, the Texas flake, and then down towards the flaring 5.7 chimney on the next section yikes! I thought about another night possibly in the haul bag? Is that really what I'm doing up here? The king swing? A chimney? Wide cracks? Grandpa? My family is probably either furious or worried?!

I looked through the remaining food and water, 5 days worth left? I could certainly stretch it to 6? This was the true bargaining point. It had taken me 3 days to come this far and I hadn't started alone? I had only done 12 pitches. It would likely take 6 more days to do all 31 at this rate if all went good?! This seemed to be the last straight forward retreat point on the route? How would I retreat with all this gear anyhow and across these pendelums? I could throw it off and dump the water if I had to? It sounded scarier in my mind than the climbing as I imagined going down with all the gear somehow tied on to me.

I decided to spend the night. I was worn out from the previous 2 nights. Would continuing be reckless? Am I just scared of chimneys? Free climbing sucks now! I had gotten myself here? I realized then I didn't really want to be there anymore either. Not alone now! I honestly felt pretty scared looking up at the rest of the wall. How would I do that swing? It would be an achievement indeed to finish somehow on my own, but I could come back with a good partner someday?! I was up here because I wanted to be here for me. It wasn't my fault things hadn't worked out.


It was time to go home.


After eating like a king and enjoying the warm morning sun, I prepared to rappel. I set aside one bottle of water for the day, left one on the ledge for someone else, and dumped then crushed the rest of the bottles tightly into the bag. Ben would later tell me this was called "compriming" things, I always remembered that.

I wished I had a second belay device now to help control the friction. I rigged a prussik knot backup on my leg loop as I had learned to do in a book and tied extra big knots in the end of the ropes. With the bag hanging off my belay loop I was scared it would pull me down out of control. I tested leaning over the edge with the bag halfway. I could hold it. Good thing we had brought leather gloves!

I thought the wall was blank before, but there was soon not much out here at all now.  A blank wall of granite with bolts every 150 feet getting seemingly blanker the further from the route I got! There was almost nothing to stand on in between anchoring points sliding down the rope with my rappel device tied into the heavy bags. I gripped the rope tightly searching for another anchor. My Vans skate shoes didn't offer much help with friction on the smooth wall. I didn't like the 8mm rope much more now either! I wrestled the bag and I onto a sling to the bolts reaching the next anchors with just a few more choice words!

When I pulled the ropes down through the bolts they would fall free down the blank face through the air the full distance until coming taught whipping with a loud thwacking sound on the wall below at the end. I hadn't quite seen this before, but I figured it was because the wall was so blankly smooth. I noticed the very end of the rope started to fray from the slaps after a few rappels.

This ritual repeated over 8 intently focused times gripping the rope tightly and hoisting the bag to and from the anchors and at last I was down on the ground. Hooray! Freedom to move around on my feet and release from the intense concentration required for safety on the wall! I opened the bag and decided to have lunch. Within a few minutes Luigi was there stepping out from the woods. He had seen me starting to rappel that morning. He was surprised I had made it as far as I did- Ryan, you crazy bastard! I was glad to see him. I didn't feel bad coming down. I knew there would be another day someday.

El Cap always awaits!

Mom had called the rangers worried while I was gone. Luigi had told them I was on the wall. I had to call my Mom. I called home. I'm okay. I'm in Yosemite. Grandpa had passed away a couple days after we said goodbye. He hadn't been awake with the pain medicines sleeping the final day. It was time for the funeral I had to come home now!

Luigi and I packaged all the disordered gear into the car. We didn't talk much. I had to go home. He understood. This time I drove the whole way. No more tears now, at least not until I was there. I had found a new toughness coming down from the wall.

He was done with climbing. What did that mean? He left me with the gear. This was a break up? In hindsight this was my first end of a serious relationship and it wasn't even a girl? This sucks! You can't be done? He said this wasn't for him anymore. Had my wild zeal driven him away or did the exposure and danger on the wall change something? He didn't say. I dropped Luigi off at his parents' house. We wouldn't see each other much again afterward. (I kept on climbing. He would shortly meet a girl, get married, and enlist in the Coast Guard as a Rescue Swimmer. He never asked for the gear back). I always admired his boldness :

I attended the funeral with my family and saw Grandpa one more time in the casket. It didn't seem like him anymore- still in a suit. I was glad I had got to say goodbye. It was the first time someone close to me had died. I wrote a nice note in the scrap book about Grandpa always being there for us boys. Feeling the pain again, I still longed for something meaningful. I knew what I had to do. To my father's chagrin, I packed a few things back into the car and raided the pantry to head back to Yosemite alone. I would turn to climbing. He couldn't stop me. No one else would now. I was going! I didn't care anymore!

A 3 hour drive and I was back...

Continued in Part II

 

  I'd still love to go back to the Nose and finish it solo wall style someday - For Grandpa

-Ryan